This is going to sound super cheesy but have you ever felt like you waited your whole life to meet somebody, like everything that came before was just preparing you for this one person, not for a single moment but for that one person, and when you finally meet them or they become a part of your life, somehow clarity comes in, nearly epiphany and suddenly everything’s made clear and things make sense and you feel like a whole person for once. That’s how it feels for me. And it fucking sucks because it can’t be my reality. It’s like having a really good dream that you don’t want to wake up from and when you do wake up, it’s actually real life, for like five minutes, and then you realize it really wasn’t reality to begin with. You never really woke up. And somehow being whole feels more fractured than ever because there’s a part of me that knows what I could be and the rest of me knows I’ll never have that. I can’t have it in reality. So where do I go from here? Do I live out the rest of my days knowing what could’ve been? What should’ve been? And just say, I’m going to be content with this that I have — or maybe not content, maybe I just except it for what it is: we don’t all get to live the life we want to live; we don’t all get to find true love or have that image we had in our mind of how things should be really become a reality; we just have to live. God, I don’t…. I don’t want that. I did it for so long just living but not Living, surviving but not Thriving. I don’t wanna do that anymore and honestly I don’t know where to go from here. I feel so fucking trapped and this is part of my problem. I don’t want that but I don’t know what to do because my reality isn’t — no the dream of what I want my reality to be — is not attainable. I don’t know what I’m saying here. Just I’m ecstatically happy and I have never been lower. Fractured. That’s how I feel. It’s all so fucked up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel pushed and pulled and I don’t know what to do…

tara caribou | ©2018

As a side note… this is not where I am at today. I am only just getting around to posting this. I still feel fractured. But I figured out where that feeling was coming from. I am very much at peace about where I was at and where things are today. Or… not at peace about where things are. I’m at peace with my decisions and current thought processes. Vague? Yes.

20 Comments on “Fractured

  1. Dorothy, You’re not in Kansas anymore. I don’t know exactly where the hell you are, but it feels like I’ve visited this place far more times than I care to admit and so I run away from that place as soon as I feel its existence closing in. I don’t know if that makes me a coward or it just keeps me sane. Well, san-er. Probably both. May you find the path that you’re supposed to traverse and that it leads you out of the trap of illusions and it takes you only to places where you want to be.


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  2. I often described myself as a kaleidoscope, once shattered and quickly glued together.
    People thought it a nice poetic image, while it was my reality.
    I guess I get what you were trying to express.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. it feels akin to the notion that there is a right person for each of us, which i fear people often translate into there is only one right person for each of us. i believe that soulful connection we desire is sometimes very elusive and perceived opportunities sometimes bear no fruit … except for a lesson learned and the challenge of no regrets … but let’s not ignore that lessons sometimes hurt. a lot.

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    • I agree. I’m not sure I believe in “soulmates” or that we cannot be very happy with any number of matches. And yes, I agree, some lessons are painful, but necessary.


    • This was actually, oddly enough for me, one where I did the spoken word first and then transcribed later. Normally I write and then read it. I’m not sure reading this one was better than the spoken word, but…. there you have it. Fractured.

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      • I don’t know what I write until hours later if I ever read it at all. I had this lovely woman named Lana that would come through and proofread and correct things for me but she’s gone now. And I’m terrible at going back. It’s always on to the next one.

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        • Oh man. I get that. Sometimes I re-read what I’ve written and I’m like… WHO wrote that?! I don’t even remember. Granted… I many times write while I am half-asleep in the middle of my night or sometimes I trance out and it writes itself. *gulp* Am I allowed to say that here?? lol

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        • That is exactly how it works. Sometimes it is like a log block and the scene is stuck and sometimes it is just magic and writes itself. I won’t tell if you don’t.

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  4. I don’t think it’s “cheesy” in the least bit. Through the years, I’ve probably written volumes to and about “the one”. In good times, the poems were hopeful, while other times a lament, and even at times frustrated and exhausted from the search. I think the writes and thoughts were heavier and more frequent when I was a bit younger, but the concept still creeps into my thoughts and work on occasion. I think we all want to find that special connection. If nothing else, it’s magical and makes for good poetry. I appreciate you sharing and happy to have read this tonight. It has me thinking through some things I haven’t thought about for a while, and I kind of like it. All the best, Brian

    Liked by 1 person

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