Journal Entries

Last night I said, “I cried less today than yesterday.” And I felt like it was some small triumph. But today I go pick up his ashes and I’m not sure how to carry on. I’ve done nothing but cry today.

I cried literally from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep. Today was so very hard. I could barely keep it together. And in fact, I really couldn’t. I’m thinking and thinking and thinking. “Why…? Why not…? Am I doing something wrong?” I want so many things. I want my husband to look with love on our child. Instead, we hold one another and cry.

Today is much better. I made it all day until right before I am writing this (now in the evening) before I began to cry. It’s a better day… or is it? Today I buried myself in “stuff”… anything mindless to keep my mind off of him. What a fucking injustice to him. What a fucking waste of a day. 

I’m just so damn tired of crying. 

I know my hormones are messing with my emotions. But that knowledge doesn’t make this any easier. I called the boss today to say I’d be back to work on Monday. I’m dreading it. I can’t stand the thought of going back. All those faces full of awkwardness and pity. “So sorry for your loss,” as they look anywhere but at me. I took a shower this evening and almost had a panic attack thinking about it. 

I hate my body right now. My flaccid belly reminds me of a missing son. My swollen breasts bound tightly so that they won’t leak milk that will never nourish. My healing and painful uterus makes it difficult to use the bathroom. I get dizzy when I stand up or move too quickly. I’m still bleeding. 

Oh god! I loved him! I miss him. My heart hurts. My arms ache to hold him one more time. Just one more minute. I will always love him. How do I move on from here?

tara caribou | ©2019

Related Reading:
Box of Memories
Grief Held
Memories in Withdrawal

22 Comments on “Journal Entries

  1. They have those cooling bassinets now. Have you seen them? You can even take your baby home and spend time with them while you grieve. I saw a picture of a mum taking her baby out for a stroll. It’s morbid maybe but everyone grieves their own way and letting go isn’t easy.

    I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry Tara. One of my best friends lost her baby boy too, she rarely talks about it but has invited me to his grave to celebrate his birthday.

    It’s not a loss you will ever “get over”, so no use even trying or thinking you will.

    Big hug. I hope revisiting it helps you somehow. 🤗💖🙏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sure it depends on the state and the laws there. I’m just glad that they see the value in allowing the parents to hold and care for their child. I have a friend who birthed a stillborn child thirty-some years ago and they wouldn’t even let her see the child. They took her away and basically told her to move on with her life and pretend her baby hadn’t existed. There’s no fucking way that’s healthy.


      • Agree. Jeezus. That’s the the stuff in nightmares. I honestly can’t imagine nor do I want to. I have a client that at 80 lost a child and she grieves so much. Not the same. Not trying to compare. But the love of a parent/child is sooo strong.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I always say, no grief is harder or easier than anyone else’s. What might be hard for me might be easy for someone else. Loss is loss. I can honestly say, his loss made me a better person. More empathetic and sympathetic. I used to be a hard-hearted, unfeeling bitch. Now I’m a soft-hearted bitch.


  2. In reading and pondering, I have come to the conclusion that the emotion is the same when having a loss issue. My Heart is with you, and pray for your strength. Your honesty is beyond any of my abilities. Great piece.

    Liked by 1 person

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