The World According to Allison

Allison is the queen of the world. No. Not the queen. She’s the star and director. We all play our parts according to Allison’s will. Oh, Allison needs more attention, oh-no! there’s trouble at work, can you help her out?! Allison needs you to do something for her, has she told you how wonderful you are today?

Allison loves looking at her phone and posting how perfect her life is and watching cooking shows. She knows how to bake better than they do. Once she was going to go on Geraldo and let the audience fix her fucked-up husband because she just can’t understand why he has a problem with her wanting to fuck her ex. (He’s a Dom, after all and she sometimes likes to pretend she’s a Sub… maybe they can cuckhold him.)

Allison needs another vacation so make sure you get that child-support check mailed in. Actually, no, she’ll let you not pay it this month so that she can hold it over your head later on when she breaks the judge’s custody order because that’s what suits her this month. Allison doesn’t have a clue that her current husband is cheating on her because she’s a controlling ice queen and he’s tired of fucking his hand in the bathroom.

Allison wants to be friends with her ex’s new girlfriend so that she can control her too (and make sure that the new girl knows what “really” went wrong). When Allison needs a pick-me-up, she smokes a little weed (for her migraine, she tells her son so that he doesn’t think less of her) and then she tells that same son to get off the couch because the dog wants to sit next to her while she corrects that one famous chef on the screen with everything he’s doing wrong.

Allison can never understand why she doesn’t have any close girlfriends, probably because they are all jealous of how smart and attractive she is, yes that must be it. Allison likes to call her ex just to reminisce about the good ole days (you know, the ones where she was cheating on him but that was his fault too).

Allison tells her son that the world is a big scary place and she’s the only one who loves him, as she sets him in front of the TV again so she can keep playing on her phone. When Allison gets worried that he might be growing up, she reminds him of all the big scary things again and what a sacrifice it is for her to raise him. After that she gives him Tylenol PM or NyQuil so that he can sleep because he’s still afraid of the dark and she just doesn’t understand why he’s scared of every little thing.

When Allison says enter stage left, you better hop to it because she’s the center of the universe and you owe it to her. She’s had such a hard life. She actually has to work. Well, she doesn’t HAVE to, except if she doesn’t then she can’t take four Hawaiian vacations a year. It’s horrible. Last year she only got three.

Allison learned a long time ago that if you keep your kids on an extra short leash then they never learn to run and if they never learn to run then they won’t be able to play any sports and if they don’t play sports then she doesn’t have to sit through any boring games or practices and she can just keep sitting on the couch next to the dog smoking her migraine weed and texting her exes about the child support she COULD be forcing them to pay and correcting that damn Gordon Ramsay.

tara caribou | ©2019