Love Rage Fear

something bad happened tonight I was pushed and pushed and pushed the rage built within me more pushing I snapped I let my violence take over I lashed out I screamed I gestured wildly and when that wasn’t enough I raised my hands and rained down pain and the yelling and the crying and the begging and the anger raised to a crescendo while
the eggs
on the stovetop

and when it was all over the tears having been shoved deep inside I stripped off my clothes because I suddenly felt very dirty and I fell to my knees and placed my face in my hands and the bile rose in my throat all this for what

oh vile wretch that I am I can’t look in the mirror who is this bitch before me where did this frenzied fury come from I’ll tell you where no big surprise

someone told me today he loved me as I danced around the truth and it hit me hard and I got scared because I had no idea no fucking clue and of course he knew I loved him too and he was so gentle with me about it but I got scared and as I felt this thing in my chest and my head felt a little foggy and I wanted to throw my phone and run and disappear

and then because he knows me he asked me not to freak out about it or pull away from him and god I wanted to but instead I put on a good face along with a nervous smile as my cloak and the rest of the day I had this thing following me around like a balloon tied to my waist and I wanted to turn around to confront it but I also just couldn’t because I’m confused

and instead of coping with a little stress I let one stress build upon the other until something fractured and it was me and my demons and now here I sit on the bathroom tiles with a blade to my arm and tears coursing down my cheeks

I’m unworthy
broken perhaps unfixable
I’m poisonous

I reason with myself and the blade presses in and just a little pain that’s all I need I won’t do a lot and suddenly a voice in my mind and I imagine his response if he were here with me and it’s like

I can see him crouched down looking in my eyes and he’s holding my hand gently pulling the blade from my fingers and he doesn’t care that there’s scarlet self-loathing dripping down or that it is on his hands he’s only got pain shining from his eyes but they almost look like tears and I can’t bear to look nor can I pull my eyes away either

and for once I put the blade away clean and I’m wondering why I couldn’t handle the pain my pain might cause him and I feel more me than I have in a long long time

tara caribou | ©2020

Remembering that one time I freaked the fuck out….

50 Comments on “Love Rage Fear

  1. I am so grateful that you put the blade away, and that you found a bit more of you that had been buried. I wish you peace – with everything, yourself most of all. Peace . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. oh man do i know those feelings

    you are definitely not alone
    i cried because i know your pain
    & am with you in your struggle.
    (also, very beautifully expressed)

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I can so relate to this. It is my hell and release. The last time I really hurt myself and suddenly a light went on. I do not need to do this any more. He never judges me and he is willing to simply hold my hands until it passes. I hope you all find your own light so you can leave this behind.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was so raw and powerful! I definitely identified with those feelings & I’m so grateful you found that inner courage to carry on & reach out to others when you needed it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Since this happened while back, I hope you recovered from this event and are now feeling better.

    That’s why you don’t let stress build up in you. You have to let it out/cope with it as it comes. Otherwise, you become a ticking time bomb.

    An interesting composition of this post…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes!! That’s it exactly. I’ll be honest and share something with you. A lot of this isn’t (and wasn’t) my reality. I write using metaphor but also to create a certain feeling that I had (or have). So I did burn some eggs that day and I was overly violent to someone innocent. But the reasons were different. I do, at times, have suicidal thoughts, but not nearly as often lately as I have a couple very good friends who love and believe in me and that has helped me immensely in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. the edge of so many things seems so near to me and yet so far – this too resonated like that dilemma. respect the edge, fear the edge, don’t cross the edge — the edge so dull, yet sometimes so sharp, sometimes it beats, sometimes it cuts. not sure why it went there for me, but too many edges i cannot cross a prison makes, all mine and mine alone. but none of us are alone, i just never seem to level with people who share the same ‘stuff’ in my head …

    Liked by 1 person

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