So Small for a Love So Large

When I held him in my arms, he was so small. So small. I cried oh god how I cried. I asked, is there anything we can do?

The doctor said, I’m sorry no, he’s just too small. I cried harder. Please, I’ll do anything, anything at all. Please. Please! Save him! Let him live, I’ll do anything.

But the doctor said, I’m so sorry.

And a nurse said, you need to hold your baby while you can. And they kept listening to his heart. And listening as my body convulsed and shivered.

As blood flowed and machines whirred and beeped. As people came and went. As I stared. As I cried. As I felt so very cold. As my body betrayed me. As the doctor reached his hand inside me. As I willed him to take a breath and cry with me. As his pink skin turned purple.

Until the last time the nurse listened to his heart and murmured, time 7:32pm. I would have done anything to save his life. Anything. Why…. a million whys. I will always love him.

tara caribou | ©2021

Ten years and my heart is heavy.

41 Comments on “So Small for a Love So Large

  1. How poignant, my hearts tears join yours. I’m sure there are a millions answer and not one nor all of them combined will suffice such a celestial question from our very soul.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That for a moment in time you were touched by these words speaks volumes to me and touches my own heart. Thank you for stilling your mind, if but for that moment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I felt I couldn’t hit the ‘Like’ button because I just felt so incredibly sad reading this! I was wondering whether you were describing a personal experience. In any case, I’m sure it’s similar to the personal experiences of many xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for reading, Mr F. I appreciate that and I am at peace that for a few moments you were touched by these words. Yes, I am reminded again even today to cherish the moments we have with those we love and care for.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Tara, there is much beauty in the remembering and honoring of love. ❤️ Your child will always be your child, that never changes in life or in death.

    Liked by 1 person

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