Red White and Blues

would have been, in days past, that the arguments and pain and hurtful words would have thrown me into a spiral. envisioning red ribbons across pale flesh and splashes of life (precious) dripping onto bathroom tiles. forget the sharp blade, I’d reach for the rusty one. or else a bottle of pills or worse. overcome with I-can’t-do-this-anymore’s and this-isn’t-worth-it’s. rocking back and forth, head tapping on the wall. give yourself a big hug before the end. tears, tears, tears.

enduring love which grows and doesn’t give up, deep friendship flowered and fostered, small hands with beautiful smiles. work. hard work. perseverance and hope. forgiveness and repentance pouring. and the act of creation. white pages first barren now filling, filling, absorbing, blotting, tearing, crumpling, bearing the bountiful burdens, never judging. pencil, pen, marker, paint, watercolor, acrylic, pastel. abstract, surrealism, realism, absurdism, comically ridiculousness, immature… but healing! oh how healing!

so that now, even right now, the blues in missing you or wishing to be holding you, or tired of the fights and frights and misgivings and words best left unspoken. the painful scars reopened. the ocd manic imploring. begging to take over once more. with the past in the past but never quite gone… somehow able to hold my head high. to go out for a walk into the wildness of nature. to listen to the waves and watch the sea birds or the wildlife or the flowers growing or a humble bumble bee just being a bee and able to breathe it in. to let it go. to forgive. to be brave. to forge ahead. to live. to love. to learn. to grow.

tara caribou | ©2022

14 Comments on “Red White and Blues

  1. Very beautiful albeit painful to read. The stream of consciousness narrative makes the reader feel like he’s living the OCD manic reality.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very evocative and also very sad. My feeling today is, ‘life can be so cruel’. But I cling to my hope in the goodness of God. Thanks for sharing this, Tara x

    Liked by 1 person

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